The War of the Handbags
by Cursed Distortions
Summary: Aragorn and Legolas. Sauron's army meets the forces of good in a colourful final battle, the outcome is in the balance. Meanwhile, Frodo's epic journey draws to a close, damn, but his boots must really chafe by now. Really funny. Read and review.


And lo did Frodo throw the gaudy piece of jewellery into the big bad, but rather cute looking, volcano. Whilst outside, near the gates of Mordor, Gandalf threw his pretty pink bag at Sauron who fell to his knees, crying, as a large number of varicoloured handbags flew overhead, blocking the light from the wonderfully pretty sun.

Quickly Sam danced to Frodo's side and threw his earrings and pendant into the darned hot larva which was turning the most delightful shade of pink. Even an evil volcano deserved matching accessories.

"The precioussss, my pretties." Squealed Gollum gaily. "Such pretty thingsess."

With this he threw himself after the shiny jewellery. However, he had forgotten that green clashes quite awfully with pink and was, sadly, consumed by the colour conscious, and darned hot, lava.

Suddenly the wraiths appeared, the epitome of classic Goth styling in their long flowing black satin robes. Three of them rushed to poor Sauron's side and put their arms round him revealing wonderfully manicured skeleton hands as they tried to comfort him.

"There there, let it all out, take no notice of him, we think you're a lovely dark lord."

The Witch King sashayed over to where Gandalf was putting all the makeup back in his handbag, which had fallen out when he had attacked Sauron, and pointed at him with one hand whilst the other rested on his hip at a jaunty angle.

"Gandalf, you are nothing more than a bully. How dare you come round here swinging your handbag, you could have had someone's eye out! And for heavens sake, use some conditioner would you!"

Gandalf gasped. "How can you say such a thing?" He whimpered. "Sauron is doing his best to rid our pretty, pretty world of all the wonderful and bright colours that make us all look so lovely."

He pointed at a group of elves all dressed in the latest fashions, displaying a quite superb array of colours that rivalled the most intensely beautiful of all rainbows, a rainbow that made the beauty of Galadriel fade into insignificance – the slut!

"Bah" said the wraith most scornfully, "elves know nothing of fashion and beauty, one need only look at their supposed greatest treasure to see that. How can a mere slip of a girl be anything of the kind. And I've heard she's easy."

"What?" Exclaimed Gandalf. "You dare speak about the elves' greatest treasure? You dare to dismiss it as a mere slip of a girl? Well, let me show you!"

With this Gandalf flung his robes aside to reveal a body hugging cat suit made from the silkiest of fibres – it felt oh so lovely against his skin – and dyed the most lavish shade of pink. Oh, what a wonderful shade of pink it was, it brought tears to Gandalf's eyes just thinking about the pink and, looking at the pink, well, it was just too much for Gandalf. As the tears flowed from Gandalf's sparkling eyes the effect of the pink spread across the battlefield, handbags were dropped to the floor as the armies broke down into tears, the pink was so wonderful.

The wraiths surrounding the inconsolable Sauron wailed and clapped their hands over their eyes but the witch king remained unphased.

"You call that pink bitch? That's not pink, this is pink." His long tapered fingers adorned with tasteful jewels and tipped with fine silver nail polish that glinted and reflected Gandalf's pinkness undid the sash at his waist to reveal a bejewelled thong in a shade of pink never seen before on Middle Earth. The very light of the sun seemed to dim in awe of its brilliance.

"What did you think we were slaving away on all these years old man? Saruman's desire to make pink led only to his downfall. What chance do you stand when your master fell so easily!"

The armies wailed in awe, the pink was just too much. However, as Gandalf cried his poor little eyes sore Aragorn sauntered forward with such a sway to his hips that the elves let out a gasp of appreciation. Slowly he laid his sword on the ground with a little smirk.

"Sauron." He said, whilst undoing the fastenings of his armour. "You were so close but I'm afraid yellow is the new pink!"

With that he cast aside his armour to reveal a negligee of the most dazzling yellow. The ground shook in its awe of the yellow, the wind tickled the chins of all present and the plants all sighed with admiration. Surely now the battle of the handbags had been won by the revelation of the yellow.

The witch king fell back a step involuntarily.

"No, this cannot be, for countless centuries we have sent minions to scour Middle Earth destroying all that was yellow." Suddenly a gay twinkle appeared in his kohl rimmed eyes, "yes, all was destroyed. You may have the negligee, but you cannot accessorise! It's power is not strong enough to defeat…" his hand reached into a wonderfully concealed pocket on his Armani cape and drew out a pink boa encrusted with pink diamonds.

Still Aragorn stood strong, his chiselled features set in a handsome expression of disdain and the witch king hissed at his companions lurking behind. "Bring me my purse!"

"But master…"

He interrupted with a snarl "Now!"

A small wraith scuttled into view, his cape a rich shade of the darkest purple embroidered with the finest of Mordors artwork. The witch king snatched at the lead that hung from a studded collar around the smaller wraiths neck and commanded him. "Stay!" Then reached into the purse and withdrew a lipstick of condensed pink causing Aragorn to fall back a step as the shade overwhelmed his senses.

"Hold steady my friend" A new voice entered the fray as Legolas jogged to his side. "Elrond sends his love, and these…!"

Aragorn looked down to where his partner gestured and smiled as Isuldur's legacy was revealed. Truly the yellow stilettos decorated Legolas's feet magnificently.


End file.
